I realize that I have come to the end of my strength these days... Today driving back from another long day on my way to more work, not home to sit and get a grip on myself I broke down in tears.. Right there on 79. Not because something sad happened, or something that put me over the edge, but because I'm sick of being strong.. I'm tired of not having one hour a day to devote to something for myself. I'm tired of being removed from the world, and I'm tired of feeling like my presence is taken for granted.

In general i'm tired... There is this book I'm reading By Donald Miller called a "Million Miles In a Thousand Years" It talks about how life is a story, and its up to each one of us to write the story we want. Overall I have truly enjoyed writing my story, and feel like many of the chapters are incredible. Lately I feel like I have writers block. My story is stuck.

Very few times in my life I have not wanted to get up in the morning. I feel selfish for feeling this way, and I feel disappointed in myself for not being able to get my act together. I have many things to be grateful for each day. I thank God for those things, but also cry out for some sort of guidance in my life. It breaks my heart to admit that I don't know how to fix my story.

There is one thing I have learned about myself. I don't like to show weakness. Granite I'll cry over every remotely sad movie, and when I become emotionally overwhelmed I'll bawl my eyes out, but as far as my life is concerned and my choices. I don't like to not be good at something, I hate not doing the best I can, and I'm not good at admitting that I need help. I don't like to ask for support from other people.

Inside I anguish over my feelings and on the outside try to appeal like nothing is wrong. I guess it's un-fair to ask someone else to see this and know what to do to help me deal with my life, but deep down I want to anyway.

The rational side of myself knows that everything will be fine, that I'll find strength and finish my race, maybe even win? The other side of me still prays for some sort of guidance, someone to make me feel like it's ok to not win. Someone to maybe let me be ok w/ being selfish for a minute.


I can only hope to continue to write my story, and be proud of what the next chapter becomes. Hopefully I'm moving forward, and not standing still..

Life's Soundtrack...

Today I was within myself. I spent hours walking, thinking, but mostly watching the world move around me. I realized that usually I'm too much in a rush to put music on during my daily routines. Today I spent the whole time with headphones in my ear and it allowed me to detach myself from what was around me, and think solely of myself. I let myself be selfish. I thought, and I thought and came up with no grand plan for my life. I just simply existed, and today I was ok with that. I found myself saying a prayer in the grove city laundromat, and it felt natural, and purposeful. I feel completely lost with myself right now, and those around me. I'm un-sure of everything past tomorrow, but I'm trying everyday to truly be ok with that.
Today I shopped for insurance.. I don't think I was aware how scared, and thrilled I feel about really being done with this chapter of my life. I hope to take parts of it with me. I have committed to this place until Aug,and feel good about that, but also like I should have fled somewhere else. Perhaps I'm staying not because everything I need is here, but because everything else out there scares me. What if I leave and nothing is here to return to? At times I see myself driving out west to a cute town and simply staying. It seems like a great idea until I realize that I would be alone. I don't want to be alone. I would much rather walk side by side someone else.


"You're a big girl now, got your big shoes
and you're running around with big girl blues
and I know you don't doubt yourself anymore
no, when you feel like leaving, walk out the door
and I bet you ain't got nothin left to learn
it's better that way cause you never get burned
and you try not to think about what might have been
cause you know this town is just sink or swim"
-Joe Purdy

I have always been able to be a part of an incredible group of people. We have done amazing things, seen sights I could never forget, and in my heart I know that we have truly taken advantage of what life can offer you. A true blessing in my life has been being able to feel this way truly, and completely.
For the first time in my life I feel alone in a comforting surrounding. I go day after day doing what has to be done, hoping for it to be another time. I hate feeling this way. I have never been someone who wanted life to pass by faster, and yet now I feel trapped in my current path. I hate not knowing what I will be doing in December, and yet I know that personally to grow I need to be able to accept the unknown. I have always had my life so put together that its hard to accept uncertainty. It's a very free feeling to know that I'm able to do whatever I want, and yet what do I want to do?
Honestly...
I don't want to leave people that have become truly a part of my life, I don't want to live alone, I don't want to not be a part of a group. I don't want to not be good at what I do, I don't want to not have time for adventure, I don't want to be unsure from this point on.
I know lots of things I don't want to do, it's finding what I do want that becomes hard. I can only hope that with God's help, and my own continual search I find something that suits me. I find something that I want to get up for, something that I can excel at not because I have to, but because I just do.

I will pray for this and hope that things fall into place..

Summer

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear ... "
1 John 4:18


Love your closest friends
Love your soul mate
Love your acquaintances
Love your family
Love the people in your life completely and truly

Love what surrounds you
Love the wide open spaces
Love the forests thick with trees
Love the vast waters, and trickling streams

I search for strength to never be afraid of what I love. To take advantage of every opportunity to love people and places. To take chances on love. Love is a bond that cannot be broken, cannot be forgotten. When you love you place pieces of yourself in other people, and new environments. You are spreading your wings.

Reality is harsh at times. It's something that I reach for, but once grasped struggle to live with. This life I have lived the last 4 years seems almost dream like. Suddenly I'm waking up and feel like the world I have grown so accustomed to is crashing around me. Everything that made me feel safe, now makes me feel vulnerable. It's hard to feel alone when you are surrounded by so many things that you love. I know that this is part of life, and that like every challenge, I will break free from these feelings. I know that I will move on to new experiences, and challenges. It's not that I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of losing what I have grown to love through change.

Done Living

DONE LIVING By: Justin McRoberts

Well, I spent the whole night fighting
Fighting with some ghost
And when the break of morning found me
I’d both won and lost

You see the question isn’t
Are you going to suffer any more
But what will it have meant when you are through?
The question isn’t are you going to die,
you’re going to die
But will you be done living when you do?

Yes, I spent the whole day running
Trying to catch the sun
But when the darkness overtook me
All my running had made me strong

So run till you cannot take a single step in strength
Then crawl on your hands and knees,
till your hands and knees they ache
And when you cannot crawl
It will be me you call to carry you back home again.

Footprints

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.

This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.

A weekend in the woods....

Finally go to escape from Slippery Rock for a weekend. Besides some events that ended up fine in the end it was a wonderful weekend... Froze my butt off but also was able to find some more of myself. Give me a sleeping bag (perhaps warmer than the one I have) a pair of chaco's and a sunny day and I'm pretty happy. It was nice to get to spend time with people in a simplistic setting. No cell phones, homework, or disturbances to get in the way. Just a walk in the woods with some old friends and new friends singing cheesy songs around a campfire.





Life moves so fast... I would welcome the speed if I knew where it were going.

The woods slow down time, they take away the hectic lifestyle we have all grown accustomed too. My day's are crammed with so many random things that I hardly know when one day starts and another one ends. It makes me sad to think that this semester has passed by and besides some A's and a thicker portfolio I don't have that much to show for it. I wish I would have disappeared into the woods more, floated rivers, hiked trails, slept in on rainy days, ran more on sunny ones, and laughed more with people I may not see for a very long time. When do you compromise who you are for what is expected of you? When do priorities get in the way with experiences? Tomorrow I start the last week of classes in my undergraduate career and it scares me.. a lot. I have prided myself on really becoming completely comfortable with myself this last 4 years. I know who I'm, I know what I want, I'm in love with my life. Now I come to another chapter in my life that I don't know how to start. Without a beginning how can there be an end? Really the thing I'm scared for the most is not feeling home.





"Home is ultimately not about a place to live, but about he people with whom you are most fully alive, Home is about love, relationship, community, belonging.. We are all searching for home.. "

" When you forgive you Love. And when you love God's light shines through you"



I'm trying my best to appreciate the people around me to the fullest. This year is different than most because at the end of it we are not all drawn back together for a common reason (school). Some of us are moving on with our lives. It's scary to think I may never see some people again. I can only trust that the last four years have built something that can't be destroyed or broken by distance. That true friendship, and community can last through anything. You have to be content with knowing some amazing things have taken place, and been created over our time together. Even if they do not continue the memories that we have shared will be cherished forever.

The Beginning

I started this blog more for myself. I have found that I'm a person who needs somewhere to write things down. It helps to see problems, solutions, or feelings written down. I have come to a point in my life where decisions are becoming more and more prominant. Along with decisions comes fear, and excitment. I'm searching for answers and directions toward a path to walk down.
For the moment I'm enjoying my life. I feel as though I'm in fast forward most of the time, but the moments I get to slow down are incredible enjoyable. I'm looking forward to the summer where I get the opportunity to live simply.