I have been through a mix of emotions and thoughts this past couple months. Excitement to return to something so unique, so life changing, to struggle, to grow, to be better. I have touched on some of those things in my return to NCCC, but haven't come close to what I was able to experience in the past.
Stagnant...
I go through each day laughing, smiling, and enjoying where I'm. I do not struggle, I do not feel overwhelmed, or like my presence is impacting others. I associate this place, and this experience with feeling a growth in myself and those around me. I no longer feel that.
Moving...
I have never returned to the same adventure twice before this year. I have gone on to something new, something that is a next step. Something that challenges and inspires me more than what I did before.I have been incredibly blessed to have always found something more. Overall I'm content with this year. Its easy, I'm responsible for only myself, and I'm able to to be selfish.
What if being content is not enough?
Searching...
I'm now looking past the next 7 months, and onto a new adventure. I'm scared that I won't find something that fulfills me the way last year did. At the same time I'm afraid of failing. Of not being able to create an experience that impacts not only myself but those around me. Of not being able to be a part of something much larger than you or me. What if eventually there is no next step? What if I'm searching for something that I have already been a part of? What if that's all their is?
Hoping...
I believe that my past can be repeated. Maybe with new people, new places, new adventures and experiences. This incredible journey that I have lived the past 25 yrs is not over. It has not slowed down. It has not had the best yet. I will find something more. I will find what comes next. I will continue to take the best parts of my past with me, while mixing them with the most exhilarating moments of my future. I will once again find that perfect balance between failure and success. Happiness and Sorrow, contentment, and struggle. Challenge and ease, praise and correction.
I may never be able to stop searching.I may never want to be content. I may never want to stop improving who I'm, or marveling in where I find myself.
