I realize that I have come to the end of my strength these days... Today driving back from another long day on my way to more work, not home to sit and get a grip on myself I broke down in tears.. Right there on 79. Not because something sad happened, or something that put me over the edge, but because I'm sick of being strong.. I'm tired of not having one hour a day to devote to something for myself. I'm tired of being removed from the world, and I'm tired of feeling like my presence is taken for granted.

In general i'm tired... There is this book I'm reading By Donald Miller called a "Million Miles In a Thousand Years" It talks about how life is a story, and its up to each one of us to write the story we want. Overall I have truly enjoyed writing my story, and feel like many of the chapters are incredible. Lately I feel like I have writers block. My story is stuck.

Very few times in my life I have not wanted to get up in the morning. I feel selfish for feeling this way, and I feel disappointed in myself for not being able to get my act together. I have many things to be grateful for each day. I thank God for those things, but also cry out for some sort of guidance in my life. It breaks my heart to admit that I don't know how to fix my story.

There is one thing I have learned about myself. I don't like to show weakness. Granite I'll cry over every remotely sad movie, and when I become emotionally overwhelmed I'll bawl my eyes out, but as far as my life is concerned and my choices. I don't like to not be good at something, I hate not doing the best I can, and I'm not good at admitting that I need help. I don't like to ask for support from other people.

Inside I anguish over my feelings and on the outside try to appeal like nothing is wrong. I guess it's un-fair to ask someone else to see this and know what to do to help me deal with my life, but deep down I want to anyway.

The rational side of myself knows that everything will be fine, that I'll find strength and finish my race, maybe even win? The other side of me still prays for some sort of guidance, someone to make me feel like it's ok to not win. Someone to maybe let me be ok w/ being selfish for a minute.


I can only hope to continue to write my story, and be proud of what the next chapter becomes. Hopefully I'm moving forward, and not standing still..