I'm afriad that all that I have is not enough.

That I want more from you then you can give.

I don't want to give up, but don't want to give in.

It seems I have come to a gap and struggle with the idea of leaping.

Leaping away from you...

People who come alive in who they are create the world.

"Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

I can't tell you where I heard this quote, how I found it, or who wrote it. I can however say that it says so much to me in so few words. Lately I see God leaving me little messages in my everyday life that relate so much to what I have been feeling the past couple weeks. This quote reminds me that God doesn't want you to do something because you feel like it, and live out your life as half of the person you could have been. God wants you to be everything you are, and everything you have the potential to be. You are able to make the biggest difference in your lifetime as the true you.

I have been thinking of what to do with my life once August hits. I feel that I need to give myself a deadline for the job that I have now, and the life that I'm leading. It's not that I'm not happy now, but I'm not as happy as I could be. I'm not living each day as a person who has come alive in who they are. I'm desperately trying.

Growing Up, Moving Forward

With each year I realize more about myself. I have taken the last week of somewhat solitude to read and think about what I want out of this life, and what I'm giving to others. I just finished reading "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and it really got me thinking about what we give to this world. What our existence does for others? How we need to place our trust in God to help guide our lives. That when we find ourselves lost God will help us to find where we need to go.

In my own life I have concluded that I have never truly put my life in God's hands. That even though I have taken chances in my life, and seen and been a part of some incredible things I have always had a back-up-plan. I have never let myself be completely unsure if I could help it, and when I'm It terrifies me. I need to learn to completely trust in God. To be willing to not have a back-up-plan.

Why put things off that I have wanted to do? Why wait to give until I feel I have excess? I have been given incredible blessings and want to make the most of them in every possible way. I don't want to look into the future at what I could have, while missing out on what I have at this moment.

"Live out in your daily life the love and obedience that God has asked of you"

"God created us in such a way that we need to struggle to stay alive" Gary Thomas- Sacred Marriage

I realize that I have come to the end of my strength these days... Today driving back from another long day on my way to more work, not home to sit and get a grip on myself I broke down in tears.. Right there on 79. Not because something sad happened, or something that put me over the edge, but because I'm sick of being strong.. I'm tired of not having one hour a day to devote to something for myself. I'm tired of being removed from the world, and I'm tired of feeling like my presence is taken for granted.

In general i'm tired... There is this book I'm reading By Donald Miller called a "Million Miles In a Thousand Years" It talks about how life is a story, and its up to each one of us to write the story we want. Overall I have truly enjoyed writing my story, and feel like many of the chapters are incredible. Lately I feel like I have writers block. My story is stuck.

Very few times in my life I have not wanted to get up in the morning. I feel selfish for feeling this way, and I feel disappointed in myself for not being able to get my act together. I have many things to be grateful for each day. I thank God for those things, but also cry out for some sort of guidance in my life. It breaks my heart to admit that I don't know how to fix my story.

There is one thing I have learned about myself. I don't like to show weakness. Granite I'll cry over every remotely sad movie, and when I become emotionally overwhelmed I'll bawl my eyes out, but as far as my life is concerned and my choices. I don't like to not be good at something, I hate not doing the best I can, and I'm not good at admitting that I need help. I don't like to ask for support from other people.

Inside I anguish over my feelings and on the outside try to appeal like nothing is wrong. I guess it's un-fair to ask someone else to see this and know what to do to help me deal with my life, but deep down I want to anyway.

The rational side of myself knows that everything will be fine, that I'll find strength and finish my race, maybe even win? The other side of me still prays for some sort of guidance, someone to make me feel like it's ok to not win. Someone to maybe let me be ok w/ being selfish for a minute.


I can only hope to continue to write my story, and be proud of what the next chapter becomes. Hopefully I'm moving forward, and not standing still..

Life's Soundtrack...

Today I was within myself. I spent hours walking, thinking, but mostly watching the world move around me. I realized that usually I'm too much in a rush to put music on during my daily routines. Today I spent the whole time with headphones in my ear and it allowed me to detach myself from what was around me, and think solely of myself. I let myself be selfish. I thought, and I thought and came up with no grand plan for my life. I just simply existed, and today I was ok with that. I found myself saying a prayer in the grove city laundromat, and it felt natural, and purposeful. I feel completely lost with myself right now, and those around me. I'm un-sure of everything past tomorrow, but I'm trying everyday to truly be ok with that.
Today I shopped for insurance.. I don't think I was aware how scared, and thrilled I feel about really being done with this chapter of my life. I hope to take parts of it with me. I have committed to this place until Aug,and feel good about that, but also like I should have fled somewhere else. Perhaps I'm staying not because everything I need is here, but because everything else out there scares me. What if I leave and nothing is here to return to? At times I see myself driving out west to a cute town and simply staying. It seems like a great idea until I realize that I would be alone. I don't want to be alone. I would much rather walk side by side someone else.


"You're a big girl now, got your big shoes
and you're running around with big girl blues
and I know you don't doubt yourself anymore
no, when you feel like leaving, walk out the door
and I bet you ain't got nothin left to learn
it's better that way cause you never get burned
and you try not to think about what might have been
cause you know this town is just sink or swim"
-Joe Purdy

I have always been able to be a part of an incredible group of people. We have done amazing things, seen sights I could never forget, and in my heart I know that we have truly taken advantage of what life can offer you. A true blessing in my life has been being able to feel this way truly, and completely.
For the first time in my life I feel alone in a comforting surrounding. I go day after day doing what has to be done, hoping for it to be another time. I hate feeling this way. I have never been someone who wanted life to pass by faster, and yet now I feel trapped in my current path. I hate not knowing what I will be doing in December, and yet I know that personally to grow I need to be able to accept the unknown. I have always had my life so put together that its hard to accept uncertainty. It's a very free feeling to know that I'm able to do whatever I want, and yet what do I want to do?
Honestly...
I don't want to leave people that have become truly a part of my life, I don't want to live alone, I don't want to not be a part of a group. I don't want to not be good at what I do, I don't want to not have time for adventure, I don't want to be unsure from this point on.
I know lots of things I don't want to do, it's finding what I do want that becomes hard. I can only hope that with God's help, and my own continual search I find something that suits me. I find something that I want to get up for, something that I can excel at not because I have to, but because I just do.

I will pray for this and hope that things fall into place..

Summer

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear ... "
1 John 4:18


Love your closest friends
Love your soul mate
Love your acquaintances
Love your family
Love the people in your life completely and truly

Love what surrounds you
Love the wide open spaces
Love the forests thick with trees
Love the vast waters, and trickling streams

I search for strength to never be afraid of what I love. To take advantage of every opportunity to love people and places. To take chances on love. Love is a bond that cannot be broken, cannot be forgotten. When you love you place pieces of yourself in other people, and new environments. You are spreading your wings.